When we face death, we face what really matters. My friend and fellow spiritual director Dan Martin works in end of life care and told me that, across the world and throughout time, when people are confronted with death, they finally face four types of spiritual pain:
Meaning – struggling with the “meaning” behind life, relationships, and the world around you
Forgiveness – pain that stems from forgiving others, ourselves, and God
Relatedness – dealing with relationships, whether good or bad
Hope – feeling like there is no hope or it doesn’t exist
Everyone is on a spiritual journey from the moment they are born and from that journey, we feel pain and, in turn, we grow. Our society doesn’t often emphasize this journey. We distract ourselves with busyness, whether it’s work, consumerism, activities, or screens. But the pain remains underneath. As we near death, everything else is stripped away and only the important things matter. And that’s when the pain surfaces.
Our opportunity is to look at our spiritual pain earlier. Stoic philosopher Seneca believed that human life isn’t too short, but rather that most people waste a lot of it. We don’t have to wait until we’re close to death to look at what is truly important. The four spiritual pains are signposts of the things that really matter. Basically, did we live a good life? That’s why the ancient philosophers said that preparing for dying is preparing to live. Death has the power because it helps us see clearly; it puts life into proper perspective. As Khalil Gibran wrote, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
We cannot be truly alive without maintaining an awareness of death. Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight. She helps us to discover what matters most. And the good news is we don’t have to wait until the end of our lives to realize the wisdom that death has to offer.” ― Frank Ostaseski, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully
There is no “fixing” spiritual pain. They cannot be cured, but they can be healed. By embracing whatever wounded us, we become, as writer Rashani Rea put it, “alchemists transmuting pain into aliveness, unwanted experiences into awakening.” By stripping away our ego-defenses that we built up in the first half of our lives, we gain a greater prize: becoming whole. The second half of our lives can be a death to ego, to role, and to identity, a chance to prepare to face our Truest Self.
"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." - Carl Jung
When I look at the four spiritual pains, I see pains of separateness, from others, ourselves, and God. We’re desperately trying to heal the belief that we are individual and disconnected from a greater story. The spiritual teacher Rupert Spira once said, “The sense of separation is a wound in the heart. Almost all our thoughts, feelings, activities and relationships are undertaken with a view to relieving the pain of this wound.” Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh said, “We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness.”
Christian writer Henri Nouwen wrote, “I have discovered that the gifts of life are often hidden in the places that hurt most.” In order to heal, we need to feel. In order to feel, we need to heal. The sacred art of dying is the sacred art of living. The regrets of the dying are a message for living. You don’t have to wait for a terminal diagnosis or life-threatening illness to drop the mask and live an authentic life. In leaning into our spiritual pain, we find what it is to live.